I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Randomize
