You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
