I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
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