I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Randomize
