if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Randomize
