Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
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