Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Randomize
