Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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