I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Randomize
