Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
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