It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
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