Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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