About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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