If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
