She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
