I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
