your profile still reads that you like women...interesting? I think there is some photography and video that will show otherwise
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
