i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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