Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
