We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Randomize
