there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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