We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Randomize
