At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
