I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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