I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
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