saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
