Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize
