Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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