Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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