Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
