matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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