i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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