life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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