life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
