I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize
