Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I feel like a drive thru vagina
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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