Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Randomize
