If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I have aggressive nipples.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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