peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Randomize
