the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
