Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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