please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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