I'm really into asian looking animals
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
