i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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