He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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