oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Randomize
