So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
