I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Randomize
