what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
