There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
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