I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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