I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I want to walk on stilts...naked
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Randomize
