oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
