my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Randomize
