oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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