im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
