I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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