I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize