Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
