Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
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